lard butt

I feel so disgusting about myself. Maybe it's because I probably have food poisoning right now since it feels as though 30 knives are jabbing into my stomach at once or maybe it's because I am disgusting and huge and fat.

Yeah, say what you want. "Stop putting yourself down Kim! That's not good for your body image." Deal. Feeling crappy about myself is how I motivate myself to actually do anything. Counter-intuitive? Maybe.


Fattttyyyy*

Where is this all coming from? I caught the last 15 minutes of it, but the girl tonight on the season finale of "I Use To Be Fat" on MTV basically had my exact same measurements (as far as weight - if you watched/watch it, now you know how much I weigh. Yep. It's gross.) and she lost the 50 pounds I want to lose too. I'm mostly digusted with the fact that I really do have time to get to the gym.. I legit sat down and looked at my schedule. Have I gone? No. Because I'm a lazy fat ass that eats curly fries that probably gave me food poisoning. That's who I am.

It disgusts and frustrates me because I know I can workout. I know workouts. I love working out. Today after my drug test I had 3.5 hours between after that and lunch. Did I work out? No. (Alright, granted I did instead sit in the library for those 3.5 hours and study my butt off... which paid off because I ended up getting a 22 out of 20 on my Cyberlaw midterm - because I'm a BOSS, duh.)
I EVEN contemplated it. But I decided against it. Stupid stupid Kim...


These are cute sweats.... for skinny hoes.*
I've evaluated my lack of motivation and have come down to these reasons for why I can't make it to the gym and how I plan on changing them.

1. I always feel the need to look half decent when I'm out/at classes/at work/etc. I never know when I'm going to be introduced to someone important or meet my future husband (who should think I'm pretty no matter what, but you kinda get where I'm at with this) or whatever. So therefore jeans and nice tops are what I'm most comfortable in. I'm really not a fan of wearing sweatpants. I feel dirty and like I'm suppose to be sick and laying in bed (because that's what you wear when you're sick... I'm assuming I'm normal in this category).
***How I plan on changing this- Suck it the %*@$ up and wear sweatpants everyday so you actually go to the gym. I wore them one day and I didn't even have to force myself to get to the gym. I was excited to go. So yeah. Problem solved there.

2.I worry that people will judge me because I can't endurance run on a treadmill. Or on the elliptical for that matter. I use to run Cross Country in middle school, and granted I wasn't the best but I loved it and lost ATON of weight from it. I still love running outside on trails and stuff, I find that I run the hardest and longest then. But I live in Pittsburgh, PA so we only get 3, maybe 4-5 months of nice weather where that's possible without getting hypothermia. After I broke my wrist in 8th grade I stopped running (but became the program's student manager) and never really kept much of my endurance-abilites. ANYWAYS. So my workouts on there are short bursts of intense-ness. Which I guess is good, but not really. I mean, I usually can only run at the 5.5-6 pace on the treadmill for 3 minutes before I can't breathe. (CoughCoughFATTYCough)
***How I plan on changing this- Once again, suck it the %*@$ up and run until I feel like I'm legit going to faint. And then hit 'Emergency Stop'.

3. I don't incorporate weights into my workouts. Our weight room at the gym (at school) is separate from the cardio room. Jocks and other (really hot) muscular men are in the weight room ALL THE TIME. I seriously feel like they're going to pass the biggest judgement of their lives (maybe not that far..) on me for only being able to do 5lb weights when they're benching MY weight (which is alot..). Why should I care right? Plus, I can bring my own weights (which I have).
***How I plan on changing this- I actually have this calendar of arm workouts that I've suppose to have been doing for the past two weeks (that lasts for however long I want them to) which I haven't been. It's such easy stuff, I can do it while I watch TV at night/in the morning. So yeah, I plan on doing that - do my weights at home while I'm doing nothing.


If you hear of them casting for season 2 of "I Use To Be Fat" PLEASE let me know so I can sign up!!



* - All images are courtesy of my best friend Google.